Chaos on Mute

I woke up at 5:20am this morning to the sound of an awful alarm. My 100-year-old alarm clock recently broke and the radio function doesn’t work so I’ve had to resort to waking up by the sound of a horrific buzzer to get me up. It is very unappealing and not a sound I enjoy waking up to. Nonetheless, I’m up and the day has started. And even though it began with such screeching, ear-piercing sounds, the quiet and calm it has allowed me is undeniable.

I’ve already been to the gym and had a nice full workout so I’m ready to get the day started. I knew there was a good chance my family might be awake when I walked through the door but to my delight, everyone was still sound asleep. I changed out of my sweaty clothes and into my “mom gear”(i.e. yoga pants and a t-shirt). I immediately tackled the pile of dishes in the kitchen sink, which I was too tired to handle yesterday (which normally is so unlike us). Laundry has been folded, more laundry is already started and the dishwasher is ready to run. My library book has been renewed. Birthday gifts are wrapped, lined up for weekend events and camp classmates. My morning tea is by my side as I type to the sounds of news in the background. And, it’s the beginning of a long holiday weekend.

I’ve written about getting up early and having ample time to myself before, but today it seems different. People are here, yet no one is bothering me. No one is asking me to play or if they can take the last $20 in my wallet for parking.  No one needs me to do anything for them right now. This will likely change within the next hour, if not sooner, and I’ll welcome it, but for now, I’m enjoying a house full of love and the chaos on mute.

Where Did “My” Time Go?

I recently have had a million gifts to buy for happy occasions. New babies, birthdays, weddings. It seems like there has been much more giving than in recent years. And while I am thrilled to give, because it really is something that makes my heart happy, it’s made me realize that as of late, I tend to do nothing for myself.

I am a (stay at home) mom and a wife, so obviously, I’m constantly going and doing for my family. Food shopping, laundry, cleaning, paying bills, playdates, errands, pick ups, drop-offs; the list is endless. And in between all of those things, I feel like a chicken without its head, running around doing so much for everyone else. And it’s not even stuff people ask me to do, it’s things that I put on myself. I am my own worst enemy sometimes.

So the other day, when I was running around to 13 different stores trying to buy the perfect new baby gift for a dear friend, drop off the dry cleaning, pick up a birthday gift for a friend’s daughter, and get my own child new shoes, I was suddenly so overwhelmed that I stopped and was like, “What the fuck do I do for myself anymore?” The answer it seems: practically nothing.

Any free time I have, it seems to be spent doing for others. Even when I get away, it’s for other people (weddings, birthdays, parties), not for me or my family per se. And in one respect, I am so lucky to have people in my life that I love so much to do these things for and with, yet in the process of being me, I have also forgotten about myself. While I go to the gym, catch an hour of bad reality TV, and maybe get in a run, I rarely seem to do anything beyond that just for me. The irony is that if you asked me what I’d want to do if I had the time, I probably couldn’t give you a decent answer beyond something like getting a massage. To some, this may sound bratty or entitled, which is the last impression I want to make, but at the end of the day, it’s my reality, and I own it.

I’m always fixated on what needs to be done next. What else is on the to-do list that needs to be tackled. Maybe that’s because I’m home now and no longer in the workforce. Maybe I need to feel accomplished, so doing all this crazy shit fills a void. It could be that I just don’t feel like I have time to do things for me like I used to (I mean, who wants to go shoe shopping with a two-year-old?). Or maybe I’m just wired this way; constantly going, running and doing, because really, isn’t that life?

Whatever the reason, I need to figure out how to remember me, which is proving a lot harder than it sounds.

My Life is Getting in the Way of My Life

Summertime is usually when we get jammed packed. There is something every Saturday or Sunday, if not both days of the weekend; whether it be a BBQ, birthday, celebration, or something as simple as just hanging out with friends or the endless list of errands and projects.

But for some reason, things have gotten busy ridiculously early this year and I am unbelievably overwhelmed. I thought I was overwhelmed when the holidays were coming, but in the last few months, I have realized that shopping for presents and decorating the tree are minor issues in the stress department.

Right now, I’m dealing with a lot of different stressors, some good, some bad. And I truly feel that my life, is in fact, getting in the way of my life. I can’t keep up some days. I’m trying to be a good stay-at-home-mom to a little girl who is turning two and has discovered temper tantrums. Let’s just say some days are better than others! My brother is getting married in less than a month and there are so many wonderful things attached to that, many of which I am a part of. That means a ton of extra, (and fun) stuff to do and take care of (like makeup, hair, dress, shoes, montage, shower, etc.) in addition to every day life. On top of this, I’m trying to plan my daughter’s second birthday, which is only immediate family, but it’s her birthday and it’s still a big deal. My brother is also graduating from med school and will soon find out where he’ll be moving during his next four years of residency, which includes a huge ceremony to celebrate in just a week. My husband joined a band with a live show in a few weeks, and he’s also turning 40, which means another big blowout celebration I’ve been planning since mid-January. In the midst of all this, there are charity runs, birthday parties for young and old and a family vacation we are so desperately trying to plan (and the passport I have to get my kid). My very best friend is getting married in a few months, so there’s lots of planning around that too; bridal shower, bachelorette party; you know the drill.  And I don’t even want to get into how hard it is just trying to see friends on a random weekend or even weeknight, interviewing babysitters for said weekend out, or managing our daily schedule full of food shopping, music and gym classes, and getting in a workout myself. And let’s not forget gifts to buy, taxes to prepare, bills to pay, and home repairs. Should I keep going, because there’s a hell of a lot more I can add to that list?

On top of all this, there’s some emotional stuff going on too. My dad was recently diagnosed with a rare autoimmune disorder; Wegener’s Granulomatosis, which adds another layer of stress to the equation, while a very dear friend just told us she has cancer. My mom sprained her ankle through all this, though is recovered, and I feel like I battle a headache every other day. My brother is moving away; maybe to Philly, maybe to Cali. The latter are small potatoes in comparison, but still, an unneeded layer.

My birthday was this weekend and my husband treated me (and him!) to an amazing day of pampering. We went to the spa, ate oysters and drank champagne, daydreamed at the bar and indulged in an amazing kid-free dinner. It was so incredible to have a day where I wasn’t worried about everything. I didn’t care about replacing the water softener or finishing the taxes or all the stuff on my handwritten to-do list. I skipped the gym, ate two desserts and felt at ease. It was short-lived, but fabulous. And by Monday, when we were back to reality, I realized just how overwhelmed I really was. I’ll make it though, with a smile, and likely, a lot of wine.